The 7 dollar SWAT workout.

In order to be mission capable, a SWAT Operator needs several things:

1) To know what missions he and his team are capable of.

2) To have trained frequently and successfully in the missions that the team claims to be able to perform.

3) To know the policies and procedures related to the team.

4) To have the gear necessary to perform those missions.

5) To be physically capable of performing the teams skill sets / missions.

6) To be proficient in tactical medicine.

This blog is dedicated to number 5. Being physically capable of performing all skill sets and missions your team claims to be able to perform. At 38 years, I have noticed myself declining in this arena. Well, the winter is over and I've awoken.

In my search for a good supplemental workout, I found that the military is currently using a suspension strap system for their troops. This is a great workout system, but unfortunately costs $250.00 or so. I don't know about you, but I have other stuff like groceries, food storage, guns and what-not to buy.

So I went to my happy place. Harbor Freight. For those of you uninitiated, Harbor Freight is the most wonderful place in the world. It sells tools that are just as good as any of the stuff sold at the big box stores, but doesn't lie to you about how crappy it is. Big box stores put name brands on junk and sells them for exorbitant prices.

Harbor Freight is pure consumer honesty. I love the place and think their motto should be, "We sell crap that is good enough for mopes like you, cause you're not going to need anything better, so get over it."

I found a strap that would seem to fill the same role. It's called a 1 Ton web sling. It can carry something like 1 ton, so even the 'big-uns' could get up on it.

So using my infinite Target "Frugalista" abilities, I officially saved $243 dollars, and can achieve the same physical impressiveness and bicep-tular awesomeness.

Here's what you will need:

1) A purple 1 ton strap from Harbor Freight.

2) A playground, or other public facility with stuff to hang your strap from.

3) Probably some water and like a snack or something.

Note: This workout is by no means designed to supplant your current workout. I personally train at Alpha Co. Fitness in Chico California. Micah Hankins is super legit, and the only person I've ever felt intimidated by when it came time to fight (It turns out my fears were based on valid pretenses, as he hit me a lot to the face, leg and body regions).

The 7 dollar workout is however capable of filling in for those times when you are unable to make the gym. Sucky shift work, vacations, out of town schools and the like can mess with your ability to make all of your gym appointments. That is what this workout is designed to do, and it does it VERY well.

Good luck and I hope you enjoy the 7 dollar SWAT workout.

James Dimmitt

SWAT Operator, Arts and crafts ninja, and purveyor of Awesomeness.

Song of the day: "The Rip" by Portishead

Magical pull-ups

The nice thing about using the strap for pull ups, is that you can do four types of pull ups, by simply changing your hand position.

1) Palms facing out = a regular pull-up.

2) Palms facing each other = hammer-ups.

3) Palms facing in = curl ups.

4) Rotating your hand position out to in during the pull up = the wicked-awesome pull-up.

I prefer breaking my pull-up routine up. I'll often do 10 of each one with a short sprint in between. By the time I'm done, I've completed about a quarter, to a half of what I wish I could do.

You can wear gloves if you are a sissy. I for one wear them because they feel nice on my hands and bears no reflection on my manhood.

Song of the day: Led Zeppelin, "Going to California

The ab shoulder thing

I don't know what to call this, other than, "The ab shoulder thing." It's something I did on the playground as a kid to impress the girls. Surprisingly, despite it's awesomeness, it didn't seem to impress the girls all that much. They were probably just acting coy. Yeah, that's it.

Anyway, this is how you do it.

1) Start from the hanging position.

2) Bring your knees up to your chest.

3) Continue upward until your feet are fully extended above your head.

4) Keep on rolling backwards until you can't rotate further.

5) Roll back forward until you are in the hanging position.

6) Lather, rinse, repeat.

Be careful when you do this, cause it puts alot of pressure on your shoulders when you are hanging backwards. It's mostly social pressure, because they don't want to look dumb in front of other shoulders. You know how it is.

But this will never be a concern, cause you read the disclaimer in red and are not going to even attempt this workout. Weiner.

Alright, the song of the day is the, "Immigrant song" by Led Zeppelin.

Hahaha. I tricked you into listening to a crappy soda commercial from the 80's. Man, I'm like the puppet master.

The Superman

So there I was, hanging by this strap thingie, doing tens of pull ups. Then a thought occurred to me. I'm not going to tell you what the thought was, but I will tell you about a thought I had around the same time. It was as follows, "I wonder what else I can do with this strap thingie?"

I found out. I call this one, "The Superman." Basically, what you do is to start from a hanging position, then slowly start swinging side to side. Pretty much, you see how high you can get and for how long.

This is easily the hardest and most fun workout on the 7 dollar swat workout. I mean, really. Where else on the web can you find ways to swing aroung like a little chimpanzee on crack and still maintain a sense of masculenity?

Enjoy. I should warn, clearing the area of any "launchables" like small children and pets is advisable.

Also, for those fans of Superman and those type A's who like to point things out, I realize that this doesn't look anything like how Superman flies. I realize this and you can, in fact, get bent. I did it on purpose to mess with you. Take that.

O.K. the song of the day is, "Again" by Archive. That song rocks.

Abdominally speaking

O.K. This is quite possibly the silliest thing I have done in a long time. For those who know me (and admit it), that is a significant statement.

Despite the difficulty in actually getting in the position required to do the exercise, once obtained, the suffering begins. This is a tough workout, no doubt about it.

The three exercises are as follows:

1) Knee-ins.

2) Scissor thingies.

3) Sway backs. This is where, following the knee in, you push your feet back as far as possible. This puts your hands far out in front of your face, similar to looking like Superman flying.

Care should be taken to keep your back as straight as possible. Hopefully you can keep yours straighter than mine. This is especially important during the sway backs.

Song of the day: Muse, "Invincible"

Yes, that's two Muse songs in a row. Get over it.

Try the tri

This is a standard tricep type workout. These are similar to what Micah calls "prison presses" on a horizontal bar. I suppose that keeping your elbows in the same place while you do this workout will be better for your shoulders, but you know...whatever.

After about like a thousand or so of these, I get a little winded and change my grip. I hold the straps together with both hands like I'm Conan the Barbarian, which incidentally was loosely based on my time in Kindergarten. I say "loosely" because they didn't allow swords in my Kindergarten. A gross oversight on the part of our nations educational system.

Song of the day: Muse, "Uprising"

Pushes and pulls

Pushes and pulls. This is the great strength of the suspension-type workout. You can move from numerous pushing and pulling workouts with little time in between. These movements range from a basic bench press / push up type movement, to a lateral fly, to a split fly.

Pulls are equally versatile. From a row, to a reverse fly, to a split reverse fly.

Working all of these techniques with little rest time in between will give a good functional cardio and strength routine.

Rock on...or don't.

Song of the day: Boston, "A man I'll never be."